4yo: Daddy see my battle scene with my toys?
Me: Looks great! How is the battle going?
4yo: Really good… for the bad guys!
Me: You look pretty tough with that paper towel tube as a sword.
4yo DM: Yeah. If I was a monster, I would be challenge rating 60.
Me: Why are you sneaking up behind me?
4yo DM: I’m better at sneak attack than going toe to toe.
Me: Ouch, you head-butted my nose.
4yo DM: Sorry. We should take a short rest so you can get some hit points back.
Me: Why are you backing up?
4yo DM: I need 20 feet to make a trampling charge attack.
Me: Did you learn any new words from your Latin songs?
4yo DM: Yes! Speaking Latin is a lot more fun than speaking Common.
Me: I see you are wearing your cape, are you a superhero?
4yo DM: I am my new DnD character… Supe-ja-man - half Superman, half ninja.
Me: *Trips over toy in yard*
4yo DM: Maybe you should’ve used a luck point.
Me: I obviously don’t have that feat.
Me: What are you going to do with that stick?
4yo DM: It’s not a stick. It’s a billhook in case we have to fight someone on a horse.
Me: I see you have a paper towel tube in your hand once again.
4yo DM: Roll initiative!
Me: What are you doing with your hands?
4yo DM: I am casting a spell.
Me: What spell?
4yo DM: Love your Daddy… at 2nd level.
Me: What are you building in the dirt?
4yo DM: It’s a dungeon.
Me: Can you point out the features of the dungeon?
4yo DM: You can’t see them. It’s all underground.
Me: Why are you just staring at your hamburger bun?
4yo DM: It looks like a zombie’s face with bulging eyes and one big fang.
Me: I can sort of see that.
4yo DM: Tonight, we feast on zombie flesh.
Me: What are you thinking about?
4yo DM: I don’t like how spells work.
Me: What do you mean?
4yo DM: It is confusing. Why can’t my 10th level wizard cast 10th level spells?
Me: Is there anything about DnD that you don’t like?
4yo DM: Only that you are asking me this question and not playing DnD.
Me: You have an odd look on your face. What are you thinking about?
4yo DM: Daddy, do you think the Sword of Farts would be a cursed magic item?
Me: Are you mad about something?
4yo DM: I think they should have put the Cookie Monster's stats in the Monster Manual.
4yo DM: I am a phase spider. I give hugs and kisses.
Me: I didn’t know that phase spiders did that.
4yo DM: I am a variant phase spider.
4yo DM: Why won't anyone ever play DnD with me?
Me: We played an amazing session last night.
4yo DM: But we haven't played today!
4yo DM: Do they sell pirate clothes at Old Navy or just old navy uniforms?
Me: They only sell modern clothes.
4yo DM: That’s sad.
Working on our DnD source book:
Me: We need to create some details for your spells Mass Disintegrate, Doom, and the one that gives the target a splinter.
4yo DM: Let’s get rid of Splinter. It is too mean.
After watching Star Wars for the first time.
Me: I see that look on your face, what are you thinking about?
4yo DM: Darth Vader rolled a Natural 20 almost every time and Obi Wan rolled a Natural 1.
Me: So what is you opinion of Star Wars now?
4yo DM: Luke is my favorite because he is nice. Darth Vader is my favorite because he is mean. The Emperor to way too mean. Leia is not thankful. Jabba is gross. Han Solo needs to read my consent book.
4yo DM: Aaah! My shadow scared me. I look like a tiny Medusa.
Me: You do have some wild hair.
4yo DM: if you were a Medusa, you would be missing a lot of snakes.
4yo DM: Daddy, do you want to play tag?
Me: That sounds like fun.
4yo DM: Roll initiative!
Me: You look disappointed.
4yo DM: The sign said “Doorbuster Sale.” I was hoping it would be like when Darth Vader entered Princess Leia’s spaceship in A New Hope.
4yo DM: Daddy do you want to wrestle tonight?
Me: Sure, but last time you got pretty wild.
4yo DM: This time I will only do non-lethal damage.
4yo DM: We need to build a new house.
Me: Why? We have only lived here for two years.
4yo DM: We don’t have any towers or a courtyard for jousting.
Me: I see your point.
4yo DM: We read our new joke book today and then I made up my own joke. Want to hear it?
4yo DM: What did the fire giant use to study the lava in the volcano?
4yo DM: A magma-fying glass
4yo DM: Do you want to hear about one of my new NPCs for our game?
4yo DM: I was going to make him have brown hair and be old.
4yo DM: Not really, really old like you and Mama but around 31.
4yo DM: Daddy, who was the green guy that Han Solo shot?
4yo DM: You be Greedo and I’ll be Boba Fett and we’ll search for paper towels.
4yo DM: We’ll be Bounty Hunters - hahahahahaha.
4yo DM: Daddy, can you tell the DnD people (@Wizards_DnD) to make a race of Dinoborn? I want to play Pachycephalosaurus-man and have a head-butt attack.
Me: I will let them know. You could make your own.
4yo DM: Yes! For our book!
Me: What do you want to see in a new edition of DnD?
4yo DM: Dinoborn, more animal people, magic items that aren’t boring, more feats, no mummies, and free dice.
Me: Free dice?
4yo DM: Every book should have free dice.
Me: What’s going on with your LEGOs?
4yo DM: Elsa’s in jail singing the Pumpkin song, “Let, Let me out!”
Me: Cherub Rock by the Smashing Pumpkins?
4yo DM: Yes! I love that song.
Me: Your Mama is amazing…
4yo DM: Do the Prequels show Darth Vader turning to evil?
Me: That was the intent.
4yo DM: Is it because Obi-Wan stole his kids and then told Darth Vader lies like he told to Luke?
Me: That would have been so epic.
4yo DM: Are there any DnD LEGOs or Playmobils? I want a Vecna action figure or a beholder.
Me: No. @Wizards_DnD is owned by a different toy company.
4yo DM: Great! What types of action figures do they make?
4yo DM: Can we make a cake and play DnD to celebrate October?
Me: We play DnD everyday...
4yo DM: But can we play DnD while we make a cake?
Me: I'll allow it...
4yo DM: I have four cookies!
Me: I am going to polymorph into the Cookie Monster and eat those cookies?
4yo DM: You can only polymorph into beasts and Cookie Monster is not a beast.
4yo DM: I don’t like that beholders make babies in their dreams. That is silly.
Me: You can change it if you want.
4yo DM: They are now amphibians and lay eggs in the water. Beholder tadpoles have long tails.
4yo DM: Beholders in my world are going to have normal teeth. There is no reason for the hugeormous fangs.
Me: What about their bite attack?
4yo DM: Come on, Daddy! Death Ray does 10d10…
4yo DM: Why would a beholder attack with random eye rays instead of picking the best ones?
Me: Good question.
4yo DM: Did he have to do that to use the disintegration ray to build his lair? Hehe — can’t charm stone.
Me: I know that look. What’s bothering you?
4yo DM: The aboleth has huge teeth, a big mouth, and could swallow me whole.
4yo DM: Why didn’t they give it a bite attack? And can I call it the Snotfish?
Me: Are you reading the Monster Manual again?
4yo DM: Yes. Why does the flesh golem have to look so creepy?
Me: It really does.
4yo DM: They could have just used one person’s body and not needed all those stitches.
Me (DMing for my wife): The sea is calm and…
4yo DM: I’m taking over… suddenly… you see a tentacle come up out of the water.
Wife: Are you letting him do this?
4yo DM: Undead kraken isn’t happy.
4yo DM: Do you know what the DnD people (@Wizards_DnD) should make?
4yo DM: A Monster Manual where all the monsters are cute and sweet. I think people would like that.
4yo DM: Do you know those inflatable Halloween yard monsters?
4yo DM: They should make a beholder one that could hang from a tree or be on a stand. With eye rays that light up. That would be fun.
4yo DM: (In his play room) Bwahahahaha!!
Me: What is going on in here?
4yo DM: The Nightwalker has arrived and there is no hope for the… “heroes”… (with finger quotes)
4yo DM: I don’t like mage hand.
Me: Why not?
4yo DM: What good is a magical hand if you can’t attack or block arrows with it?
4yo DM: Invisibility is weird.
Me: What do you mean?
4yo DM: How does the spell know if I am attacking someone or just dancing?
4yo DM: Do you think my Gaseous Form has a smell?
Me: What do you think?
4yo DM: I think it smells like farts and toothpaste.
4yo DM: My new character is really smart and knows lots of languages.
Me: You could give him the Linguist feat.
4yo DM: Will you actually put other languages into the campaign? I don’t want to waste a feat.
4yo DM: Who is that singing? His voice is EPIC!
Me: That is Sebastion Bach from Skid Row.
4yo DM: I like his music better than that other Bach. Is he playing guitar too?
Me: No. That is The Snake.
4yo DM: Yuan-ti play guitar?
4yo DM: This is my sword! (Holding up several paper towel tubes put together)
Me: Wow! That is a great sword!
4yo DM: No, Daddy. It is a longsword. An elven longsword with advantage against undead. You are a zombie.
4yo DM: I created a new spell.
Me: Tell me about it.
4yo DM: Lavaball. It is just like fireball only better because it’s lava.
4yo DM: And it does damage until the bad guys get the lava off their bodies.
4yo DM: I like lava.
Me: What did you make now?
4yo DM: Lava Pudding. It is just like Black Pudding but better. It does lavaball attacks, is ‘morphous’ and splits into two when it takes cold damage but it’s immune.
Me: I like your crown.
4yo DM: I am the king and you must now do what I tell you to do!!
Me: I am sorry to tell you it doesn't work that way.
4yo DM: What is the point of a magic crown if you won't do what I say?
4yo DM: I made some new spells for my lavamancer sorcerer.
Me: Show me!
Hand of Lava
4yo DM: If quicklings were turned into zombies, would they be fast or slow?
Me: You are the DM, what do you think?
4yo DM: Fast is really scary. And creepy. And awesome.
4yo DM: My new character follows the Deity of Dinner.
Me: Does their deity help them prepare meals, because that would save a lot of time and effort?
4yo DM: Yes, and it tastes a lot better than the food you cook.
4yo DM: I think I am about to have an emergency.
Me: A poop or a pee emergency?
4yo DM: No, a DnD emergency.
Me: I don’t think this spell is balanced.
4yo DM: That just means people will want to use it.
Me: What if they never use any other spells because this one is so good?
4yo DM: Then we made an awesome spell!!
Me: I need names for the 3 evil hags in your Mama’s game.
4yo DM: I am good at names.
Me: That is why I came to you.
4yo DM: How about Sakima of the Sea, Lady Whispers of the Night, and… Creepy Pancake?
4yo DM: I made a dragon called a Sea Drake that eats a lot of fish.
4yo DM: It breathes fire and a nasty stinky mist that smells like rotting fish guts. You are “incapitated” for two rounds while you vomit.